Crash and burn

I'd been doing fairly well, depression-wise-speaking, for some time now. Oh, sure, I've had a number of relatively mild stints in The Black Hole over the past few years, but I've come to accept that those are just a fact of life if you have the brain chemistry of, well, me. But I hadn't had a really bad episode in quite a while.

Those mild ones still suck, don't get me wrong. Wouldn't wish them on anyone. But they're tolerable. The bad ones are . . . well, not different so much as just more. I'm not even sure when the last bad one occurred; the ones that stick in my memory are from much further back, and the more recent ones all had the same sort of flavor, if you will, not a lot to differentiate them. Call it six or seven years since the last one, that's about how long I've been on my current Rx, which has been largely effective.

But the streak, however long it was, is over. Nasty Black Hole time returned this last week, particularly from around Thursday night through yesterday.

There just isn't a good way to articulate the experience, my use of the Black Hole metaphor can only go so far and I always seem to mix other allegories in with it which probably doesn't help clear anything up. But suffice to say this one had me basically not get out of bed except to feed the cats—and then only when their patience ran out—for 2½ days or so. It's just so, so tiring, among other things.

I had more explanation here; I'd just finished a longish post when my PC decided to spontaneously reboot itself and I lost everything in temporary RAM. (Not sure if it was a Windows thing, a Bitdefender Security thing, or a screwed-up hardware thing, all I know for sure is that it was a failure-to-save-drafts thing which is a bad habit I can't blame on my fucked-up brain chemistry.) No matter, really, no attempt I've ever made at articulating the experience of clinical depression has ever been close to adequate; the best try was back when I was doing the Cloud Five strip, so maybe that's as good as it'll get (see below).

Anyway, this one was different. It was . . . weird.

Because there is a readily identifiable outside cause. Or, not cause, exactly, but . . . let's call it a prompt. I speak, of course, of the election and it's continuing fallout. And this evening, now that I have some of my critical-thinking faculty back, I wonder if that means this episode will be easier, harder, or about the same when it comes to climbing out of it.

Today's been OK. I got up, got outside, took a lengthy walk in the drizzle before it was completely dark out. A bit of exercise and a decent meal is a good jump-start. But the news is going to stay terrible for a good long while, so does that mean I'm just going to get pushed back into free-fall again? Or was this prompt only really potent becuase of shock value, and with shock dissipating and unlikely to be a factor again—I mean, the horrobleness to come is all expected now, right?—and thus won't be as big a deal in this specific way?

I tend to think this is better. Meaning, the outside-prompted episode is better than the "regular" kind because I'm not wholly at the mercy of my brain. Maybe focus, either on the prompting issues or deliberately away from them, can be a tool here. Combined with a little more diligence in getting some exercise (which I have been severely lacking since before my California trip, save for the adventure at Vazquez Rocks) and avoiding extended isolation, as well as maintaining my Rx, may well serve me better than just the usual having to "ride it out" reliance on time, rest, and energy recharge.

Well, at any rate. Life goes on, and with luck and effort it goes on in a more engaged and less debilitating fashion.

If only our macro-scale problems were so easily dealt with.

Here's most of the sequence from C5 I did more than 10 years ago now(!!) that seemed to be my best attempt at articulating the Black Hole in layman's terms.